Confessions & Reflections of a burnout...part 2

Day: 29

Energy Reserves: -158

Currently back from my intentional 21 days of radical resting and you better believe I'm still intentional resting.  I even decided to create something just for me to keep me on my shit.  The funny thing is, the more I rest, the more people look exhausted to me.

I literally want to scream go take 100 naps to everyone.  

I'm feeling deeper into my body, I didn't know that was possible but here we are.  I've been experimenting with some things with my yoga practice and it has made a BIG difference.  It's safe to safe that I am migrating to a selfish mode.  I'm used to waking up wanting to serve and help others but now I'm like nah, I'll get there later if I feel like it.  Some days I really have to chant to myself:

"You first."

"Take your time."

"How can you nurture yourself in this moment?"

I listen to myself most of the times because I don't want to feel how I was feeling.  

Today's key word that's been sticking out for me is productivity.  I actually despise this word at times because it has the energy of exhaustion attached to it and I'm striving for an exhaustive free life.  Societals are also obsessed with this word and feel less than if they don't achieve said productive things.  I was thinking how I didn't hear the Depression Era and Baby Boomer generation use this word, but they had another term, LAZY.

How is one lazy or a bum if they're tired?  Baby I'll be all of the above if I can get some damn sleep.  I already naturally trigger people when I mention a nap, lay down for as long as my body likes, etc. 

I'm still getting use to triggering people but I'm going to get my rest on at the same time.  Being in this space has also made me reflect on numerous readings/interactions with people and how they look at naps as a treat or like an unobtainable dollar amount.  We're wired to make room for slaving, but not for resting.

Cold world.

Another reason I know people are tired, especially us indigenous folks is because we're always in a state of pretending and proving.  We have to prove we're the best, prove we can use proper english (fuck that shit), prove we're clean, prove we're rich, pretend to be emotionless, have a work character and prove we're made of steel.  All of that within itself is beyond fuckin exhausting.  Why are we constantly trying to appease and prove to a system that does not like us?  Why are we trying to get approval from those that enslaved us?

It's all strange to me at times.

We're so use to pretending we don't even realize we're in rabbit hole. It's going to take a while to get out of it.

I remember there was another point in time where I was doing the most and people would look at me and say  "OO you look tired?" 

First of all, who raised them?  

Then I went to look in the mirror and I saw what they saw.  My ass looked tired and it was all in the eye area.


Another random thought...

I'm not sure if I'm into self-care anymore, I think I'm more into nurturing myself. Self-care has really been a trendy thing over the past 10 years and I don't think we as a people have connected with the nurturing aspect and boundary setting.  You can still have routine pampering practices and be overly committed at the same time.

Day 30

Energy Reserves: -155

Today I was looking at few pages and it said a few days ago, I was already at -155.  I see it's going up and down like a temperature, but I ain't tripping.

I read a little bit of Rest is Resistance and the reflection that it causes throughout my life..OMG! 

To elaborate more on the topic of laziness, it made me think of how everything is really connected to the slave mentality.  

Whenever I spent the night with my Granny, I "thought" I was going to sleep in.  I was wrong every time. The morning would start with pots and pans banging, hearing her going in and out the house it to the yard (she loooooves the yard and her flowers) her talking on the phone and some washing.  Definitely a Southern Grandma.

For some reason I always thought I was going to sleep in at her house and would have that dumbfounded look on my face when she wanted me to get up.  She would just give me one of her favorite sayings along the lines of, "We would get up and do our chores first and then go back to sleep."

That statement never resonated with me but society loves to reinforce it.   Even though it didn't resonate with me, I still had a period in my life where I genuinely thought the early bird did get the damn worm because that's how subconscious programming works.  

After years of practicing listening to the natural flow of my body, I noticed my body likes to get up early when she wants and sleeps in when she wants.  Anything forced, throws my internal mood meter off.

When you're raised to go against your body and "push through", the more you push yourself closer to exhaustion.  This is pretty much body disconnection 1-on-1 and the world has mastered implementing that course 100 times over.

When I hear people saying they worked 12 and 14 hour shifts like a badge of honor, I get a little sick and sad on the inside.

Another thing that caused me to reflect today was RECOVERY TIME. Before I started my intentional resting, I was looking up how long is the recovery process for burnout.  The average time I was seeing was it can take anywhere from 3 months-1 year and some people said they were in year 3 still recovering from burnout.  

I'm not giving myself a timeframe, because why? My nurturing time is foreplay and I'm going to enjoy every moment of it.  There is really no rush.  I am also intentionally mindful because don't want to get a false wind that I can conquer the world and be back at -383.  Now I want to look up that angel number.....

"Angel Number 383 is a message to release any fears of lack or loss to the angels and continue serving your soul mission with passion and purpose, knowing that as you sow, so shall you reap. Trust that your devotion and diligence will reap many rewards of all kinds. Have faith and trust in the Universe." via Joanne's Sacred Scribes

What an edge snatcher!!! There was more to the definition, but I'll just shared one of the main paragraphs in the blog.  Being that I am in the negatives with this, it makes all the sense.  I know I need more rest than most. (S/O to my Projectors, Manifestors and Reflectors) Some people naturally have more energy than others and I ain't one of em. 

I'm really enjoying this, because I can feel myself. It's really hard to explain, but that's all I got.   But while doing this there was/is a back burning thought of I don't have enough time to rest or what if I miss something.  My favorite thought, "How will I make money if I'm resting?"

News fuckin flash Imani!

How will you do anything if you're exhausted?  There is never any prizes in overextending yourself.  You can't enjoy anything if you're burnt out

This experience is also teaching me that I need to fully embody the meaning of my name "Faith". Faith in that I'm giving myself a divine gift in resting and self-nurturing. I think we all have to grow into the meanings of our names.  We weren't given our names for shits and giggles.

I also think we need to reframe our minds when we hear exhausted.  When most people hear exhausted, they correlate that to having a long day.  Exhaustion is something that slowly builds overtime (weeks, months, years) and has so many layers.  You can't remedy exhaustion with one good night of sleep.

I remember I use to feel so bad for anytime I was tired because I didn't want to disappoint anyone.  I would have moments where I was mad at my body because it couldn't be pushed anymore or I simply didn't have the energy. Thank Gawd for new perspectives, because that shit is toxic.  How I'm going to be mad that a body that requires rest?

That's so wild.

It's really a great mind fuck when it comes to how society views resting.

If you're reading this and you know you're exhausted, it's not going to change overnight.


Rest up my loves.

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