Confessions & Reflections of a Burnout... part 3

Day: 30 continued

This week I decided to focus on sacral chakra yoga flows. These have been some challenging flows for me but I can see why, being that the sacral chakra deals with going with the flow, feelings, creativity, sensuality, water, etc.

I used to think solar plexus flows were intense (which they are) but these sacral videos are taking the cake.  I done huffed, puffed and opted for child's pose a few times.  I ain't shy to drop down and recenter.  I even hollered, "Giirrrrllll," at the teacher on YouTube because why was it feeling like that?  Why didn't I know I had outer hip muscles until a few days ago? I am really amazed at how many muscles the body has.  This has also made me want to pull out my yoga books, so I can take a deeper look at what muscles I'm actually working.

Currently been wondering if I should finish my yoga certification. Yes, I started a yoga certification back in 2020 and I am probably 10% done with it.  It wasn't the right time and my focus on it wasn't from a space of self-healing but from a space of how can I share more with the world.  Granted that sounds real nice and empathetic, but I can see why it came back around and how it came back around.  Also, when I study things I like to get deep in the game.  Even attending yoga classes, I always had some questions when teachers made certain statements in class.

Like why can't women do inversions on their cycles? (granted I trusted this info, I just want to know the WHY)

Why does my body always want to stay longer in Savasana (corpse pose) at the end?

-Because you're supposed to be in it longer, Savasana is supposed to be at least 10 minutes after a flow. So your body can integrate all the energy you just created with your flows (asanas)

I started staying longer in Savasana and doing a 20-minute Yoga Nidra afterwards.  We can't keep shortcutting shit, two minutes or less in Savasana is borderline disrespectful to your body.  I wonder why majority teachers and youtube yoga flows are like that. I'm lying, I know why.  Everyone wants everything to fit in a schedule and be convenient, when the reality is everyone needs to slow the fuck down.

No wonder my body would do a ten-minute flow and be like, "This ain't it! I ain't even warm."

It's safe to say I've been naturally researching certain things since getting back into a yoga practice.

I feel like since being back in my body, I have lots of words that need to get out of my mind.  I guess that throat chakra was on vacation since I was exhausted.  I've been journaling like crazy and been enjoying writing these blogs.  The greatest thing about this is I have no idea when I'm going to publish them, by the time you're reading this, I might be 60 days into my journey.

But I'm sure I'll just get the urge to share before then.

Day 43

Energy Reserve Level: -94

Never been so excited in my life to see negative numbers shrink. 

So it seems that it's been almost 2 months of a consistent yoga practice.  The last two weeks focus were the sacral and womb area.  I am noticing that some emotions are definitely starting to release themselves.  Two weeks ago, I was crying happy tears to On My Mama (s/o to Victoria Monet) and this week I feel rage every time I see snow and then I have a random feeling of sadness.  

Hello Yoga Purge.

I knew the emotional storm was coming but damn.  I don't feel crazy or anything, I just know that I'm releasing the emotions that's been stored in my body.  

These bodies of ours hold a lot.  Just think of every time you tense up or stop breathing.  Those emotions are being stored in the body, in your cells, in your muscles, in your tissues, etc. Baby emotions are everywhere!

I'm also realizing that many people simply don't want to do things that is going to cause them to FEEL.  If feelings are involved, I noticed a lot of people don't be fucking with shit.  They rather keep feelings to themselves or act like they don't exists. Feelings make people uncomfortable.  But holding that shit in can make you uncomfortable.  You can't win for losing, but I rather just go ahead and let the tears fall.  

What's so bad about crying anyways?  Granted it's the bullshit antidote that it's a weakness.  How is something your body naturally does to release.... a weakness?

We are so removed from ourselves and that's hella ghetto.

I am actually this journey of getting back into my body. I feel like a big bitch, in other words, I can feel all of my weight. I am in tune with the mass of my body.  

I have never in my entire life felt like this.  It makes me wonder, where the fuck was my body for 36+ years.  Tricia Hersey talks in her book (I will be referencing this book alot because it really gets my wheels turning) she speaks of how soon as we're born we give our bodies to these systems.  She ain't never lied!  We were born doing the fuckin most.  From early in our life we stretch ourselves from 8 hour school days, after school programs/jobs, studying and so much more.  We do this for at least 12-14 years unconsciously.

At what time do we connect with our bodies?  At what time do we intentionally rest? 

Most of us have a hard time going to sleep because we're beyond overstimulated. Most of us can't even relax without hearing an echo of, "you're lazy."  

Whenever I hear that weak ass mantra creep in, I just say stfu.

I'm not lazy.  I'm tired and I'm gone rest!

You can't be on autopilot for 20+ years and think a weekend is going to recover you.  That's crazy.  

I'm just thinking about what me and my body have experienced through life and I am no rush to put some unrealistic expectations on myself to get back to it.  What's the rush?  I've rushed enough. I've been "productive" enough.  I've pushed through enough. We fuckin tired and in recovery so everything is just going to have to be how it is.

I have noticed since I've been in the flow of moving in a recovery mode as opposed to doing the most.  My energy feels much different while doing readings and energy work for other people.  I feel very stable in my body.  I'm enjoying this.

Doing all this yoga has even made me more sensitive and aware of certain things.  I keep asking myself where the fuck was I, but I know where exactly I was and things are starting to click.  If you're into astrology then you know the 12th house is a lot of unconscious energy.  I have some planets there, so I'm use to doing things unconsciously.  That works lovely when I'm doing readings and tapping into other realm unknowingly but when I'm unknowingly aware of what I'm putting my body through then that's another story.

So to easily break this down, when I do readings or energy work.  I am holding space in my physical body.  Whenever I'm doing readings some people will tell you I will literally say something like "ooo I feel something in a certain body part of my body," and I will get to delivering the message. My energy body is literally stepping into your energy body and if your Spirit team want to make an appearance they're going to talk through me as well.  With that being said, taking walks wasn't going to be enough to clear the energy.  Cuz if yo deceased Grandma in my hip, Uncle Charlie in my leg and then I go about my day and my ancestors wanna be in my foot sending messages then my body needs to release that energy on a physical level.

Some people think the shit I do it glitter and rainbows. I'm hear to tell you no the fuck it's not.  Y'all better put some respect on people that hold space for ya'll. End of baby rant.  I'm REALLY aware of what takes place with the body doing energy work.

My favorite thing during this time has been following the plan that I made for myself.  I'm like look at you girl!  

I was a little concerned of how things were going to be when I returned to my normal but I am more than fine.  

Last week I decided to read my old blog post and even some older posts from an old blog that I had over 8 years ago.  I was like ooh shit girl you can write.  So, thanks to Pisces Season and encouragement from my friend Takiya, these posts will be shared sooner than I anticipated.  That's how plans go out the window.  

Originally, I thought I was going to share these when I got to level 0 lol.  But we're close enough!

If you're reading this, rest your body.

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