Confessions & Reflections of a burnout..... part 1

Day 15 of burnout recovery reflections...

Energy Reserve levels: -211

I'ma be real. I was burnt the fuck out.  My body was feeling raggedy and soul was feeling weary.  I've been burnt out before but this time it was hitting different.  Normally I would just nap my ass off the best I could and then proceed to continue what I was doing.

But like I said this time was different.  I can be a bit dramatic at times but I actually felt like I was dying. If I didn't get some deep needed rest then life would be over.  There were times where I would wake up and just feel my body wanting to pass out.  My body was tired and she was needing me to care for her differently that I ever had. You really have to do shit differently in yours 30s. I set the intention to spend 21 days resting at Bestie's house in Boston.  

At the time of this it's currently Day 15 and I feel SO MUCH better than I did that the day than I arrived.  It also put into perspective that I CAN NOT let myself get like this ever again.  I remember my friend Takiya sharing with me that she would ask her body what was her energy reserves levels.  

I decided that I was going to ask my body the same question and I got the answer -383.  When I received that number, I was like yikes, you need to save yourself Beloved.  I wasn't surprised by this since I was frolicking in the land of overextending.  

So my trip wasn't needed, it was necessary to my well-being.  Since I've been here I have had the time to read, rest and reflect on how I got here and to catch up on The Chi.  

As I stated above, I can't let myself get down bad ever again.  I have also realized the following:

-I need to step my boundary game up.

-People don't have to get it and I ain't explaining it.

I have probably repeated that I was going to Boston to rest a million times.  But yet, people were still asking me was I going to work and meet with people.  I did not take any of this personal but it definitely made me yea we are hella programmed as a people.  When did rest and working go together? Do they even sound similar?  They're actually polar opposites of each other.  Why does when someone mention rest, their brains go to working? I mean I know why, but damn.  Can people rest anymore without the third degree?  If someone says they need a rest, tell them have a great time! Give them the same energy as if they were going out the country.  But resting is a foreign land in our day to day.

During this journey I decided to reread Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey.  This time I'm reading the book slower and it's still ripping my edges. The main thing that struck a chord so far was reading, "You don't have to rest to recharge to do more work".

Let me tell you something.

One of the main objectives for me resting was so that I can DO.  Once I read that, it felt like something was ripped out of my subconscious immediately. I also felt some energy return back to myself and I immediately feel asleep.  Reading that part also can me some another layer of peace to enjoy guilt free rest.

My body needed rest because she needs rest.

I'm resting for myself and no one else.

It also made me reflect to when I was heavy on social media and I made a post about me resting because I wasn't feeling well or something.  Someone replied and said, "Aw feel better because we need you."

Ew.

That comment made me scrunch my face up and I'm 10000% sure I probably had some inner thoughts that contained all the curse words in the dictionary.  Asking, implying or thinking that someone needs to rest to serve you is fuckin wild.  Like how did we get here?

I believe I was listing things I've been realizing so let me get back to the list....

-Get in your damn body.

Over the past year I have experienced so many changes and spiritual shedings.  I was not in my body. I was all over the place.  Baby I was giving wind and running on fumes. lol.  I knew I needed to clear some things out.  Months before I got here I started looking at Pranic Healers in Boston.  I knew Reiki and Pranic healing was going to be a BIG PART of my restoration.  So I got in contact with Christian Verde of Boston Pranic Healing and booked a session immediately.

Yes, I could've Pranic myself, but it feels good when I can relax and get the healing from someone else.  He asked what my focus and I said that I'm exhausted and wore out.  I don't even think I had anything else to say at that moment. I was at the point of just PRANIC ME! 

For the session I relaxed and started feeling the tingles and energy going through my body.  I was so excited and grateful to be on the other end of a Pranic Session. When he finished I felt so relaxed.  He informed me of the state of my chakras, which was raggedy lol.  Let me use better words, in Pranic Healing, the chakras can be depleted, normal or congested.  He said when he started everything was congested. Not surprised at all. (Don't worry the session brings them back into balance) He also confirmed some things I was feeling for myself along with my favorite theme in life, "Forgiveness". *insert eye roll*.  After giving tips, he left I made dinner and I passed out for the night.

The next day I was so tired.  I slept majority of the day. My body was just processing energy and the next day I felt like new money.  I felt more in my body.  

One of the things that stuck out in my session is that I needed to move my body more.  Sure I was a walker, but I was also coming to terms that I needed to do MORE.  Walking was too cute and for doing all the spiritual work that I do with myself and people, I basically need to swim to Brazil and back daily.  So I made the conscious decision to do Root Chakra/Grounding Yoga daily for at least 30 minutes.  It felt good! I was finding parts of my body that I haven't moved in a while, I was also releasing tears from where my body was holding energy.  I was so grateful for the power of yoga.  It is truly healing to my body.

This was a game changer as well because I felt like I was coming back into myself. It also made me think "Where the hell you been at girl?"

My disposition was shifting with the quickness.  The gift of exhaustion is that it brings a new level of boundaries and awareness.  Things I would normally invite myself to do, I was noticing that I was like "NAh".

I'm also noticing that I'm getting my excitement back for life.  Burnout caused me to resent the things that I naturally love to do.

It also dawned on me that things that you love to do can also make you tired and it's ok to take breaks.  Gotta keep things fresh!

I'll write later....